Brand New Day

It's almost midnight, and, like many many other nights, sleep eludes me.  Work starts at 6 am and I seriously doubt I'll get any meaningful rest.  It's been a stressful two days, and I feel like I've been torn to pieces.

Without being too specific, an important person in my life had a cardiac incident.  It took a day to convince him to go to the ER (not mine), and I spent hours watching the monitor, waiting for a cardiac panel to come back and wondering if I was going to be the only healthy parent of the children.  Luckily, the cardiologist determined that it was an acute stress reaction and not anything permanently damaging.  Blood pressure medications were changed, a prescription for Xanax was written, and all was well for a discharge to home.

The point of this blog?  I'm not even sure.  I suppose it's a reminder that even though I walked away from an unhealthy situation, we're permanently joined.  Meeting the needs of four children, a stubborn ex husband, patients at work, friends, church members, a boyfriend - it's exhausting.  Sometimes I forget to include myself in the equation.  It's like going through the motions, staying numb and being as perfect as I can be in whatever role I'm playing.

So no more.  Time to include me in my life.  I think the first thing I'll do is get my hair colored.  It's not much, but it's a start.  My song for the day?  Sting's "Brand New Day," because that's just what it is - a fresh start, a chance to do it right.

"We're starting up a brand new day..."  -Sting

The Riddle

It's a Saturday night, and as I sit listening to Five For Fighting's The Riddle, the lyrics truly touch me.  Parenting isn't a vocation that was ever an option; I always wanted to be a mommy, knew I'd be a mommy, wanted to be a mommy.  I married young, like many in my church.  And when my first was born, then my second, time sped by so quickly that introspection was never high on my list of priorities.  It was never hard to choose what came first:  changing diapers, or quiet meditation.

I was in college at the same time my first two came along and working full-time as well; looking back, I don't know how I possibly managed it.  But I did.  Ten years after my first was born, my third was here, and two years later, my fourth and last.

Now that I have more time to just watch the kids grow up, to just work full time, to just take care of a house big enough to fit us all, I catch myself wondering what the heck I was thinking.  Being responsible for four other souls who need positive guidance, lots of encouragement, support - was I ever up for the job?  Taking care of patients is easy; taking care of kiddos, oh so very, VERY hard.  Especially when each one is their own person, unique and challenging in their own way.

Meeting everyone's needs, from age 17 to 5, is a rollercoaster ride a day.  This song, The Riddle, sums up why I do it.  And it encourages ME during my dark times when I ponder the meaning of it all.

"There are answers we're not wise enough to see

He said, 'You looking for a clue?  I love you free."

Five For Fighting, The Riddle